A new year, a new me

2016 sucked.  I don't know how else to say it.  I've spent the past year in a fog, muddling through day to day and trying to maintain a sense of normalcy.  Public humiliation, sadness, loss of my dad.  It was really downright awful.

I saw that I don't really have many friends. I saw that family isn't always supportive. I saw that people are more comfortable with avoidance and quick hellos. And in some cases, just showing their true colors.

2016 also showed me that I am STRONG.  I saw that I had strength I didn't even know I possessed.  I became comfortable with myself and realized that I am a strong, independent woman capable of doing things I didn't know (or forgot) I was capable of doing.

I could focus on all the bad but I will not.  2016 saw my oldest get her masters degree and find the love of her life. 2016 saw my middle graduate early and accept a position in Korea.  2016 brought my youngest and I closer together and made us united. 2016 gave me back my best friend and took away the people who really weren't my friends all along. 2016 brought my brother and I back together.  2016 showed my strength.

Each year I pick a word to focus on and (surprise!) 2017 word for me is STRENGTH.  I can do anything. It's funny that it took a year of crisis to remind of this. Funny that I approach my 49th year on earth and haven't thought this before. I guess you don't realize what you can do until you have to do them. Life's little lessons.

So Happy New Year and welcome to 2017.  I know I can do this and look forward to it. The fog has lifted!

Grief and change

I am missing B more than usual these days.  And I am feeling quite guilty about it as I can pick up the phone and hear his voice easily enough.  That fact isn't lost on me as I mourn Logan Snedecker and realize that his parent's aren't allowed that same comfort.

I didn't know this young man, he was loved and a friend to many.  I did, however, bear witness to his death. 

Something changes inside you when you are with a person during their final minutes.  It is especially difficult when those final moments took place outside your front door.  You can't avoid the scene, HELLO!, you live there.  You see the memorial go up and see the mourners come and go.  You see when fresh flowers are placed, new crosses go up and when both the village and fire department try to clean the spot on the same day.  You weep uncontrollably over a young person you never knew, you snap at those you love and you retreat into the back of your house so you don't catch yourself looking over at the site 50+ times a day.  You don't sleep, or if you do, you don't sleep without nightmares.  You wake up and instinctively look out the window remembering how long the emergency workers remained outside that night.  

You think of his family...his parents and his siblings.  How are they coping?  Would it comfort them to hear from you?  You think of the young man who was with him that night...does he have someone to talk to about what he witnessed?  Is he getting the support he needs?  You think about the other first responders...how are they holding up?  Better than you?  They have chosen to avoid the scene (lucky!) but are still having issues all the same.

You also realize that the changes within in you are permanent.  You see how many people care, who is there through thick and thin as they reach out.  You take an inward look at the life you've been living and realize that this was a wake-up call.  Introspection is a good thing, even when forced upon you.  You begin to think twice about what you say, how you act and the impact your words and actions can have on those around you.  You realize what you appreciate in those friends who keep coming back and want to emulate that.

You think about this grief and sadness and you realize that, you can still have happy thoughts amidst these feelings.  I am glad for the days I find joy. I treasure my walks (and I've walked MILES since August 22), I treasure my family and am thankful for my therapy cat!  I treasure those good friends who've made an effort and came to me not knowing what they could do or if they could help. I treasure a therapist, recommended by a friend, who has proven to be a God-send.  I am healing, slowly but surely.

So, I am missing B these days.  I wish he were closer, that I could see him more.  But then I realize, that I am whining.  I can SEE him (granted not always when I want) but he can come home/I can go there. I can pick up the phone and hear his voice.  He is happy and alive and for that I am forever grateful.  

Logan and his family will remain always in my prayers and I hope that they remain in yours as well.  Our little village has seen much death these past few weeks so keep our fire and police department in them as well.  I can only imagine how bearing witness to so much has affected them.

creative brain freeze

I am hosting a baby shower for my nephew and his wife.  I am excited about doing it as it'll let me get some new pictures for my up-and-coming business (another post!).  I am thrilled that they've decided to wait until birth to find out if it's a boy or a girl.  However, the gender neutral thing has given me quite the creative brain freeze.

I ordered paper and ink...sat down today to complete the invites and totally hated the color combo I chose!  Ugh. These need to hit the mail this week so the option of ordering another color combo isn't really an option.  I'd have to make do with what I had already and fortunately, I have a lot.

Various combination popped into my head, all quickly dismissed and then I decided that maybe, just maybe, the elephant should really be gray not coral, blue or green.  It's interesting how that decision (to make an elephant the actual color of an elephant) got my creative juices flowing again.  Cards are now done and decorations await!

What do you think are gender neutral colors?  How do you prevent being more boy than girl or vice versa?  Share you thoughts!

Not my circus, not my monkeys...

I've seen this all over facebook recently and it's made me think a bit about my own world.  As many know, my dad and I don't exactly get along...never close and as opposite as people can be.  To say he lives in his own little world is an understatement and it has caused much strife between the two of us.

My mom's death has put a spotlight on just how different we are and how far apart we've become.  I try.  I really do but honestly? I don't have the patience for him.  His viewpoints couldn't be further from my own and we need to agree to disagree.

Not my circus, not my monkeys...interesting statement.  Not sure it really is a Polish proverb but for whatever reason, it resonates with me.  I am not responsible for my father.  He's not my monkey and his views aren't my circus.  He's my dad.  I'll enjoy what I can of our interactions and when they become heated, I can step away.  I cannot be responsible for his attitude, his actions or his words, just mine.  I realize it seems a simple premise and one that should come about without much thought but it took me awhile to get here.

He won't change (and at 72, I can't really expect him to) but I can change how I deal with him and how our interactions affect me. Maybe this will help us, maybe it won't.  However, I can sleep each night knowing that i tried and at this time, that's the best I can do.

Not my circus, not my monkeys...

In search of ...

Part of this whole depression thing and the loss of my mom has revealed (as I've touched on in earlier posts) my complete lack of a good girlfriend.  My mom was my com-padre.  We went to lunch each week, talked each day.  She was my sounding board, my confident and my lifeline.  Husbands fill that void to some extent but I think we each need someone to talk with who we aren't married to.

That all being said, I am lonely.  I have friends but we are all busy. We hang out at games and an occassional lunch.  I am thankful when they check in and appreciate the time they are able to give me. But, they all seem to have that really good friend and I can't seem to connect with  anyone who calls for regular lunch/shopping dates, wants to take a class here and there or who wants to talk about what's going on in my/their world.  I love those friends I do have but I really long for someone who wants to hang a bit more.

I read FB posts (I know, everyone's life is perfect on FB!) and see that people are doing things, getting out with friends, having fun.  I really want to do those things too.  Part of me is embarrassed to post this and part of me feels like a 3rd grade girl wishing that someone would ask me to play on the playground.

I know that age complicates matters...it is harder to make friends it seems.  My friends of my youth have all scattered to the wind and in some cases, we don't seem to have much in common anymore.  My goal is to take a few classes and hopefully, meet some women who like to do similar things.  I've also vowed to take more interest in those precious friends I currently have.  Make more of an effort because I know I've been lacking in my efforts as well.

Hoping to climb out of the shelter I've backed myself into and put myself out there...

depression

I lost my mom 5 months and 7 days ago...since then, I've been in a complete fog, unable to complete even the simplest task, crying at the drop of a hat, snapping at those who I love and love me and feeling blue more than any other color.

We spent a week at Tybee Island.  I walked the beach every morning, conversing in my head with my mom while waves crashed and birds flew around my head.  We discussed the children, my job, my dad.  The guilt I feel at leaving him to her these past couple of years...not knowing what she was dealing with until I found myself dealing with it too.  We discussed how much I miss her, how lonely I am and how I wish there had been more to be done.  For whatever reason, I felt closer to my mom on that quiet beach than I had since she died.  I came home from Tybee with a bit of closure, feeling slightly more focused than I had before. And with the realization that I am depressed.

I have a family history of depression.  My mom had it and I know my dad has it as well (even if he won't seek help).  I decided that while mom's death was a trigger, I probably have battled this for a long time.  Losing someone so close to me definitely sent me into a downward spiral.  However, I've withdrawn into myself more and more the past few years.

My goal is to seek assistance and learn to deal with this in the best manner possible, much like I did when I was diagnosed with diabetes.  Time will help some but I realize that the grief only magnified what was already there.  I am fortunate to have a great support system in my home and hope to soon dig myself out of this hole and start enjoying my life again!

Graduation Day!

I earned a new title yesterday...mother of a college graduate.  It comes with a few more wrinkles and immense pride at what my 21 year old has accomplished.

She started at a smaller school that really didn't suit her and then transferred at the start of her sophomore year to The Ohio State University.  We had our reservations about her being at such a large school but also wanted her to be happy, so we rented an apartment and moved her in.

I was worried about this big school.  Worried that she'd get lost, that she wouldn't get individual attention, worried that she'd stray from the path her father and I had put her on.  But as the year went on, I quickly realized that all that worrying was for naught.

She had big classes (her general requirements) but she had many small classes.  Her professors took an interest in her and as the years progressed she excelled and realized that she had a knack for both English and French.  Her adviser helped her write a great resume and professors were more than happy to write recommendations for graduate school. Because of her majors, she really had a small school experience within the largest school in the United States.

I'll readily admit that the past 4 years were not without drama and anxious days.  She learned that relationships can change (both male and female), that she could do many things for herself and that her father and I would be here to help and support.

She lived this last semester by herself and discovered that she didn't mind being alone.  She has learned to cook and shop for herself, manage her household, hold down a job and still walk away with great grades.  She interviewed for a coveted spot in the PhD program and was rewarded for all her hard work with tuition and a stipend.

I'd like to sit back and pat myself on the back for all this.  But the truth is, we provided the foundation, she took what we gave her and ran.  She worked hard, got better grades in college than she did in high school. She surrounded herself with good friends who also are goal-oriented.  This is about her abilities and her potential.

Yesterday we sat in the stadium with 60,000+ people all there to celebrate the 10,200 graduates of the 406th graduating class of The Ohio State University, each with their own story to get to this point.  It was a massive celebration and no one was celebrating more than the Butler family!