I'll be the first to admit, I have very few friends. I have acquaintances...people I know because of shared activities with our children or through an activity that I participate in. However, there aren't many that I can share my deepest thoughts with that I am not feeling judged.
Women are typically a snarky group. They size you up when you walk into a room and determine (without knowing you) what kind of person you are. It starts in grade school and continues throughout life. We can all say it doesn't occur, but we know that it does. We judge each others lifestyle choices, parenting, jobs, appearance, etc. This in turn, makes it hard to share our emotions and pain with our "friends."
The youngest brought this to my attention last night...afraid she's making JV and what her "friends" are going to say "because she plays club ball and should be one of the best." My feeble attempts to comfort her were pretty much waved away by her hand. The idea that her dad and I are proud no matter what doesn't really hold it's weight in the face of her friends. I often try to remind her that many after a significant injury would pursue other interest outside of sports...she keeps plugging away and trying her best...she's a fighter and a warrior.
She is fortunate to have one great friend. Someone who stands by her side and supports her. Doesn't judge her, tell her she's annoying or put her down. I can see these two being friends well into their lives and it makes me happy. It's taken awhile for her to get a relationship like this and as a parent, it's exactly the kind of friendship you want for your child and yourself.
I find that in our 40's we are all so busy with our lives, that at a time when we should be supporting and helping each other, we just take the time. I also feel that it seems like we pit our child against the next...competing in the classroom, on the field, with the number of sleepovers, etc. As I've been down this road twice before, I realize how petty most of this is. You cannot share that knowledge with those who are experiencing it for the first time. Sometimes as a group, we are snarky about another's child and/or life. I am ashamed to admit it but we all know it's true. Life has become a competition and like I said in my first post, we all want to be the best. As we discuss others trials and tribulations in front of our children, what do they take away from that? What example have we been setting?!
I've recently had a couple of friends go through some significant experiences with their children. I feel for the most part, they've had to do this privately to spare themselves ridicule and pain. I believe that this is why I've been on a quest to change. I want the few friends I have to be able to talk to me without feeling judged. I want to be supportive when they need it and make sure they aren't afraid to ask for that support.
We all have friends who bring out the worst in us. I've been evaluating that this week as well. If I want to change, can I continue along the course with them? When you don't have a lot of friends, it's a hard decision to make, even if you want to be a better person. While I am a loner, I am able to realize that I need a few others outside of my family. This will be the hardest part of my process, without a doubt.
And how, in your mid-forties, do you make new friends? We will be done with the school experience in 3 years. As the older two have graduated and moved on to their college lives, friendships formed during those years have moved on as well. Having children in the same grade, sport, etc. isn't enough to form a sustainable friendship. I've decided to pursue a couple new hobbies and hope that as a result, it'll introduce me to women outside of the school and maybe our little village. I hope you have that one great friend and I am hoping I can find one for myself!
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